Thursday, March 10, 2011

Snarky Altitude

After another night of no sleep, it is difficult to maintain an even keel without resorting to creative powers of Snarky-tude. This morning, after my third cup of coffee, I had no resistance to the high-in-the-sky Snarky Altitude. I let her fly.

Writing resumes when there is no substance to hold the ink to the paper is more frustrating to me than the dreaded query letter. Query letters are an art form all by themselves where we condense our sometimes years of hard work into a single sentence, the hitch…er…I mean pitch, (sounds a lot like a marriage proposal – better make it good) and then choose the right words for only one page of sales and information about the book in quest.

Monday, I went for a job interview. My hopes were flying around in the sky with the spring birds celebrating warmer weather here. However, while sitting on the outside of a large mahogany desk, I got an out-of-body experience.

Mr. Big Lawyer had my resume neatly in the center of his cluttered-just-enough-to-look-busy desk. His questions were so off the secretary position requiring no experience that I felt unsure if I should answer at all, but I did. My resume was neat, tight and concise, but my work history while attaining the education, the skills, and abilities needed for clerical work fell short, uh, no, they fell off the page, onto the floor, and then hid in the darkest corner they could find.

Suddenly, ( “ly” word) I noticed a trend in my life. I write. No one reads beyond the resume of me. I apply. No one listens beyond the resume of me. Sounds like a pity party, right? Not. Right now I am listening to some crazy Native American music, Aero, drinking what is left of that pot of coffee @5pm, and laughing at my new attitude and the poor recipient of my latest application for a job.

After stripping all job history details from my resume, adding each and every single skill, talent, or ability I could think of listing, (I even mentioned that I could make a good cup of coffee) I re-wrote the Objective, but refrained from simply saying: “My objective is to be published, rich and famous.” So, I did show some control.

“Objective: To rise above the stigma of NO EXPERIENCE = NO JOB. To use the skills I went to college to learn regardless of my work history experience. To learn and grow with a company for a very long time. It is not what I have done, but what I can do!”

After butchering my resume to reflect my revamped snarky-tude, I proceeded to apply via email to another law firm seeking a secretary with preferred experience. Now, that was one email to read. I even had to disclaim that I was not a crackpot sending them a virus. (Think they believed me?)

Finally, (another ly word...I’ll just never get there, will I?) my snarky-tude shook hands with an astounding realization. Maybe it isn’t astounding to everyone else, but when we get those lightbulb-moments, we are genius and not a single other person ever thought of it before, right?

Well, (a very deep subject) I compared this experience with seeking publishing for my great and stupendous novels. Employers fail to see the potential of a dedicated hard worker solely because of a lack of DOCUMENTED proof of experience much the same as agents fail to see beyond the marriage proposal, I mean pitch and query letters to the novel. It is not their fault entirely (ouch another one), but a glitch in the matrix. It is the system, the long-accepted method of doing things.

Someone ought to write a book - “Rising Above Ourselves” (Let me know if there is already one out there...I’ll buy I get a job, that is. Right now I am still a full-fledged member of the Starving Artist Society.)

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